*This is a very personal post, this is me trying to work things through in my head and adjust to this new phase in my life in a positive way. I wont accept derogatory comments on this post because I want to improve myself not feel worse.*
I feel tired. I feel worried. I feel fed up. I feel ungrateful. Most of the time I just feel guilty.
Guilty for some foods I eat.
Guilty I can't exercise as much as I want because of my hip pain.
Guilty that I don't love being pregnant.
Guilty that I worry and stress about working, money and being good enough for this baby.
I even feel guilty in knowing that all my worrying and stressing isn't going to make a difference and potentially negatively effect my baby.
I know that everyone has these days and pregnancy hormones play a part in how I feel, but I don't know how to make myself feel right again. My biggest fear is doing something wrong for this baby, for my husband or for us as a couple.
I held a newborn this week, he was beautiful. I was confident in holding him and comforting him so he didn't cry and I was also relieved to hand this baby back. How can I feel like that when I have my own baby kicking away inside of me? I love feeling this baby move, even as he gets bigger inside me and I get more uncomfortable I know there isn't a thing I wouldn't do to protect this life.
So how can I still feel inadequate? How can I wish my pregnancy away just enjoy the next bit. That's just me actually, I accepted that a while ago.
I know the overwhelming love I feel when Andy touches my belly and its the 3 of us. Andy being a little detached from this pregnancy - doesn't feel the same things and his life hasn't changed that much yet, is getting me down. I am so used to sharing EVERYTHING with Andy that something this important feels wrong for me to have to myself.
He will read to my belly every so often, kiss my belly and just sit feeling the kicks. He has been to all the important doctors/midwife appointments I still just don't feel quite connected as a family of 3 instead of a couple. Maybe this is still to come.
All these things will fall into place - try not to worry too much - enjoy the bits you can and look forward to holding your baby because when you do it will be yours and Andy's and it will fall into place x x x
ReplyDeleteHow you feel, is so very normal and ok. I think it totally sucks that women arent allowed to share how they really feel about pregnancy and that we only get the glorified stories.
ReplyDeleteI feel like this even though it is my second pregnancy, and I promise you it doesnt make you a bad person, a lesser mother-to-be or unprepared. It makes you human and honest and real.
I dont know what rock I've been living under, but I didnt even know you were pregnant... Goodluck for the next few months and sending you lots of love!!!